Analyzing to Inspiration

I am the kind of person who puts a smile on my face to fool the world on thinking that I am made of steel and that nothing can get me down. Sorry world, that isn't true. In fact, I get down really easy and it happens fast, lasting FOREVER not relenting. I have had to fight this everyday since I was a child, thinking that this was normal and the thoughts that went through my head on death and how it is not so bad and a million different ways to experience death was a normal thing that people think of. When I was around 13 I was told that is is not a normal thing to deal with and that I have clinical depression.

Since that day I decided to fight harder then I have been doing to show my family that I am okay and that I do not need to take a prescription that I might one day become dependent on it. (I am also one of those people who do not like to become a dependent on things or people)  So I decided that I will forever pretend that I am okay! Lying becoming my strength, when I was asked are you okay?

Over the curse of time I began to erase all emotions so that I would not feel new pain or sadness. I did pretty good for the most part, only allowing feelings of the moment to show then, when it was expressed it would then die and the feeling of emptiness would then take it's place. It was working till one day I found that I did not kill all my emotions and that there still emotions that I can still feel opening me up to more feelings then I knew! And no matter how bad life gets I will never forget or regret that moment in my life for now I know what those feelings feel like and can now write/act them out when I need to!

In my ups and downs I still fight for my dreams on becoming a famous actor. But, I have been losing the battle as of late for all the emotions that I found I have had hidden in me are coming to haunt me. Many voices are telling me things I keep trying to push away but nothing is working. And slowly, I started losing this battle.

Now over the last few days I have found a manga/anime that has helped me find the motivation I have been looking for! Skip-Beat!

Skip-Beat is about a High School aged girl who put her life on hold for someone she loved and supported him in his dreams of becoming famous by becoming a workaholic. After finding the truth about how he feels and how he only asked her to go with him to Tokyo so that he could use as his own house maid. Upon finding this out she shut off her emotions and decided to become a celebrity to get back at him.

Being persistent she makes it into the auditions for becoming part of LME and gaining a talent. The president of LME seeing her heart and the hidden potential that recedes in her makes a program for her to be in so she can find the emotions she lost and become an actor that he made from scratch!

After some time in the program she finds that the reasons she wanted to become a celebrity no longer applies but is now a bonus for her! Seeing now that the reasons for her staying in LME is because she if finding herself every day she is there, feeling the freedom that acting gives!

There are times when she is down and doesn't feel like getting up but through the help of her friends and the inspiration she can find through her enemies she finds the strength to stand again and to do even better!

As I read/watched the series I saw me in many ways, the killing of emotions so no more pain can get in, the hunger to find oneself, smiling even when she feels like dieing, always trying to please others, pretending to not care what others think of her but caring what those she cares about think of her. In so many more ways I see myself in this young girl and seeing her story and how she has her set backs but over all she comes out on top of it all gives that push I have been trying to give myself on achieving my dream!

がんばって!